On new beginnings…
(OLD BLOG) on december eighth 2024, i rededicated my life to God and got baptized. i’d spent most of the year angry. confused on why my destiny had been canceled. i’d convinced myself that although God was a good God, he’d decided i wasn’t good enough to be.
loved and blessed by Him. i was heartbroken, because i felt like the omnipotent Almighty no longer saw me or my dreams. boy, was i wrong.
i knew it was baptism sunday at church, but i didn’t think to sign up or tell anyone i wanted to be baptized. i didn’t even plan to go to church. i was watching it live, and a chant made me giggle. as Dr. Keisha stomped her feet singing for everyone to “come in the room”, my husband told me it was a sign that we needed to go. i through on some camo pants and a black hoodie. i wasn’t dressed to do much outside of sit in church. i was listening to the sermon and my pastor asked “do you have a personal revelation of who God is?” i quickly realized that i didn’t.
see, God isn’t “out to get” sin. His end goal isn’t capturing sin and putting it away. His end goal is to capture you. He’s out to get your heart. you choose to do your best and avoid sin. i wasn’t going through what i was going through because i’d sinned so badly that He was out to punish me and lock me out of my own life. He needed to redirect me. to remind me that my life is bigger than my personal temptations and habits. i started to feel myself forgive me. i started to feel myself begin to understand.
as the baptisms started, i felt a pull to go up to the front. but i didn’t feel like it was enough. there were people who seemed like they struggled worse than me, and it made me think “i shouldn’t waste time going up there”. but God spoke to me. “you’re saying they have bigger problems than you but you hate yourself. you’re saying you don’t need to be baptized but your decisions haunt you daily.” i knew He was right but i still waited. i tested. i told God, “if you want me up there, send me a message.” the service was ending, but my pastor stopped and said said “there’s one person who’s been struggling to come up here. we’re gonna give you some time.” i waited. no one went up. but right before they stopped, something hit me. i handed my baby to my husband and walked to the front. of church. i was shaking my whole way up to the altar. i shook as i took off my shoes. the pastor hugged me. told me i changed the entire direction of my life by my decision. but you know what confirmed my decision? she told me it wasn’t my fault. after a year of hating myself because i got pregnant again. after a year of being disappointed that i wasn’t living this big and awe striking life. after a year of crying by myself late at night. this woman of God (who i’d never shared my story, feelings or experiences with) hugged me and told me it wasn’t my fault. i knew God was calling me back and telling me i hadn’t lost anything.
i stepped in the water. i’m not a fan of the cold but i got in the water as if it was bath temperature. i sat down. i cried as Dr. Russ prayed over me. i felt actual weight lift off my body as i went down and came up out of the water. victory was and is now mine.
i have a new beginning. a new chance. things are turning and changing for me and my family. i am so thankful for this new chance. for this new day. for this new year.
